New Cooter!

The Old Cooters are HERE!


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Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Thank you, Java!  I hope you got that frozen squirrel I sent you.  Just pop it in the microwave for five minutes and it'll be like fresh killed!

Cooter Dog 
He's a good boy!

It was so windy last night, when I barked,
the wind blew it away.  See, that’s my
bark over there on that tree.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yes, I heard you announce the Chinese kibble, and I'd love to come, but I can't, I sat down and the hairs froze to the ice.

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Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! No kidding?  Huh.  I actually prefer the yellow snow.

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Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Stand by the other hole, Dotty, I'm going to blow on three, one... two...

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Bacon grease?  When the hell did Dotty get bacon grease?

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Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! "Cold as a well digger's ass", huh?  That doesn't sound so cold to me.  We say "my butt's so cold I can't feel my tongue."  Now, that's cold.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Well, of course that's going to happen with you trying to balance that enormous head and round belly up in the air on two legs like that.  Next time that happens, stay down on all fours.   By the way, you're bleeding.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Sleeping?    You mean they're not dead?  I was happily imagining squirrelsicles under the snow.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! OK, I'm done barking now, I'd like to come back in.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Look, I don't want to hear any complaints, your stuff is at least two feet higher than mine, I haven't had any communication from down there since it went numb on Saturday.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I don't care what you've heard, I prefer trees, boulders, even chickens to tires, which are round and make it hard to know where to start.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Look into my eyes, chicken.  You are becoming very relaxed.  You are so relaxed you feel like laying an egg.  When I count to three, you will relax your cloaca and lay and an egg. One... Two...

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! So, you've no idea why there's moldy broccoli in my bowl and the chickens smell like bacon grease?  It wouldn't have anything to do with my calling the coyote square dance from under your window last night, would it?

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! A goose?  Yes, if I was a goose I would go out today, but any feathers on my butt are purely decorative.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! It's "bird dog".  "Chicken dog" is not an acceptable variant, regardless what kind of hobbies I have.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy!   That's what, "tofu"?  Wow, that is foul.  And you prefer this to a well seasoned fromage d'ecureuil, caught at the peak of squeaky goodness and cured in a hole under  a hollow log through the heat of summer?

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy!   Let me get this straight.  You select some of your kind to rule, and then when they do rule you regard them with suspicion and mistrust for wanting to rule.  Yeah, it makes about as much sense as most of the things you do.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy!   Call me when you see a robin.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Oh, I see, if you believe it, it's truth, but if I believe it, it's just "dogma".

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! An hour until dinner?  Do you realize that's seven dog hours?

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Wow!  That was incredible, no squirrel in history has ever jumped that far.  But, what about that branch way over there, I’ll bet you can’t jump to that branch…

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Ooooooooooooh.  That was wolf. Oooooo oo oo ooooooo.  That was coyote, but Southern coyote, like from around Truckee.  Your Northern coyote sounds like this: Ooooo oo ooooo oooo. Now, this is dingo, which not that many dogs here speak, YEEEEE yeee yip yip.  That means, "it's been weeks since I had a tourist kid."

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Suddenly, the bionic dog's super hearing detects a fork scraping piggy fat from a plate...

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! ...It's trippy, but you should know that after about half a minute you'll puke.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Sorry, pal, no fetching today.  Dog days, it's a religious holiday for us.

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I'm still thinking, and anyway what the hell is that supposed to mean, "cat got your tongue?"

More Cooter HERE Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Who are you going to believe, me or some nut-humping squeaky-voiced puff-tailed tree-dwelling scum who says I need anger management?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Of course I thought "cat food" was made from cats, what else was I to think?  So, what about the Chinese kibble, certainly there are cats in that.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! It isn't protection, it's simple cooperation.  They lay eggs for me so that when the wolves I allege come in the night I won't be so faint from hunger I can't allegedly fight them off.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yes, it's true I can see better in the dark and I do have sharp teeth, but you can hold a flashlight and a heavy automatic, and this instance I bow to your superior technology, you go scare it away.

Words every man should know: never run in front of a dog, never squat naked in front of a cat.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Oh, yes, it was dogs that gave humans fire, clumsy creatures though you are.  Of course, humans had hair at that time, only generations of third degree burns made you naked.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Ha ha!  Oh, God, that was too much, I thought you were going to break your spine!  OK, you can't use your hind leg to scratch behind your ear.  Now, let's try some licking!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! OK, and then you hold the plate and I get the sandwich, right?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! You could have said, "no, Boy, that's bubble gum, don't eat that..." but all you said was "save the comic".

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! And, I say you're wrong, you DO have a shadow at night, it's just dark and you can't see it.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I just want to know how many other best friends you have, and if you give them Chinese kibble, too.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! If God'd expected me to get this hot, He would have given me a hump.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! You mean it wasn't life-saving surgery, it was ELECTIVE?  Who elected that, you?  Tell you what, drop your drawers, I've elected to take yours.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! OK, this is "picking a bone" with someone.  Does it still seem like a good idea?  Now, give me the bone.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! With all this heat and dust my sinuses are killing me.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I know, I feel the same way, but never, never say "If I had claws and could climb a tree..."  We'll get the little bastard on the ground eventually, and end his taunting chirps once and for all.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! There's a nice big morsel in your whiskers...other side...a little higher, back a little...not quite...tell you what, I'll get it for you.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Look, if I said it in my sleep, I can't be held responsible, you know you have to let sleeping dogs lie.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Oh, sure, sweating is clearly superior to panting.  I must look a fool, whereas you're quite handsome in your big dark wet spots and the trickles of waste water running down your face and into your collar.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! %@#&%!!!!! Deerflies!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Barbeque huh?  You know I'd share my kibble with you any time.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yeah, it's a beauty, and I can reach every place on my body with it.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! CHOOO!!!!!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! ¿Qué? Usted entiende el "¿siesta"?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh hot huh huh huh huh huh hot huh huh huh...

Cooter Dog He's a good boy! It's not your fault, your feet are huge, it was a monster chicken crap right on the step, they were bound to meet.  I honestly had no idea when I barked that you'd run out in your bare feet.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Twenty minutes of entrapped doggy sex doesn't make you a father, caring does.  Happy Father's day.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! A shadow, huh?  Pretty neat, now I know how I look from above.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Silently the big croc waits, as the unsuspecting pudgebutt, completely dry to this point, approaches the shore...

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Look, Java, it's not you, it's me.  A gal like you can't live on dried squirrel, goose crap and Chinese kibble.  Can you see yourself howling at the moon or hauling ass over teakettle for some raccoon butt?  You need chow from a can, a warm bed at night, a kind word occasionally.  Take my advice, kid, forget me and get on with your life.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yes, at night I bark at owls now, which I can't catch, and have stopped barking at bears, which I can catch.  It was a decision based on an abundance of caution for my butt.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I need Java and Dottie together like I need another leg to lift.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! If you don't drink from the creek and eat fromage de squirrel your immunities run down and you could get sick from eating almost anything.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Don't blame yourself, it's your odd lifestyle that does it.  After all, if I wore boots my feet would stink, too, and if I wore those tighty-whities you do, well...

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! That's actually two questions.  Tell you what, I'll tell you "where I've been" and you guess "what that smell is."

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Honestly, Dottie, Java means nothing to me, it's like she's stalking me or something, baby.  You know how I feel about bleached blondes.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! You call, I come; I bark, you don't come.  Clearly, I love you more.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Ehhh.  You won't often hear a dog say this, but licking your own butt isn't the treat you'd think it would be.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Mom, where ever you are, thank you for creating me.  Life is good, and I owe it all to you.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Here, use this for "where in Sierra County."  No one will recognize me in a beard.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I told Dottie she slept through summer and it's winter again, and she cried a little until she realized she'd be hungry if that were true.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I'm lolling my tongue!  I haven't lolled since the 3rd of November.  A dog needs the sun on his tongue.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! A What?  A HOTDOG!  Please tell me it isn't what I think it is.  Mom, is that you?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Barf!  No thanks, that's cod liver oil!  I remember it from last Spring; I spent two days wondering what internal organs I lost.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Nope, you missed, Deadeye.  Tell you what, the problem is you're hunting squirrels.  If it had been a kangaroo in that tree, you'd have bagged it for sure.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Well if you knew it had to be me why did you say "who dug up the chicken carcass"?  You thought I needed the chance to be a liar as well as a grave robber?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Of course I'd risk my life for you.  You'd risk your life for me, too, right?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! On days like this, when it's snowing for the 160th day in a row, I close my eyes and go to my happy place.  It's called "Puerto Vallarta."

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Just keep walking, pretend you don't see me!  It's a snow game I like to play called "the leopard seal and the fat, waddley penguin!"

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! It doesn't seem possible that dogkind lives just this life, and then nothing more. There has to be something after this world.  Yet this argues that squirrels, too, have souls; and, yes, that makes sense, for what would heaven be without squirrels to send into the next world?  Wait, I guess the world after the next world.  But, that speaks of nestled universes, can that be?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yes, my nose is cold, I guess that's why that nice warm farmer crack looked so inviting.  Anyway, I'm sorry you bumped your head on the wheel well.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Man, I'm beat from barking all night to keep the coyotes away from your bedroom window.  I don't expect thanks.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Looking at you? Who's looking at you?  Just go ahead and finish your sandwich, don't mind me.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! You're telling me you OWN me?  That's what that collar is, a slave collar?  You said it was jewelry.  I'll bet my nuts are never coming back from the cleaners, either, are they.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! What do you mean, "where did you get a goat testicle?"