Cooter! 2011

Cooter! 2011
2010 is HERE, 2009 is HERE.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I see.  I'm still a little unclear about one thing: do you get drunk to forget how badly you screwed up 2011 or to prepare yourselves to screw up 2012?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! ...and then Rudy the red nosed sleigh dog says "stuff that, I'm leading the sleigh," and the other sleigh dogs laughed and called him names so he flung himself at them and a vicious fight broke out and ears were ripped and lips torn and eventually Rudy humped Prancer and ever after he lead the sleigh.  It's an enduring, heart warming seasonal dog story.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! OK, so the guy with the red pants and rabbit fur trim, this year don't bite his ass or try to take down one of those delicious tiny reindeer, so tender and light.  Got it.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! No, there's no doubt about it, at some point, I'm guessing when you were asleep, a squirrel sat on your ear and licked himself... correction, herself.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Under no circumstances was I taking a "catnap".

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy!   Coke?  What the hell is coke?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! All I'm saying is it isn't fair, because I'm willing to shake hands with you, but you're unwilling to sniff my butt.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Dude, I'm telling you, the sun still gets up at sunrise just like it always has, so I don't know what you monkeys think you changed, but believe me, it wasn't time.  Ha ha ha, you guys tell yourselves the damnest things!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I'm trying to soak up enough warm sun for the next seven months.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Jeez, don't get mad at me!  I didn't make you pear shaped, I just observed it.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Well, I saw you stacking firewood for this winter and it seemed like such a great idea I started a squirrel stack.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy!   I said from now on it will be one hot dog per photo session- two if you want me nude.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Snow?  What the hell?  Did I doze off and sleep through autumn?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yeah, crows, bombardier crows, to be exact. Keep your eye on them, and if one takes aim from under its wing, run like hell.  The black devils are uncanny with crap.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Shhhh... The bark beetles can foretell the future, if you have super dog hearing you can hear them.  Hmmm.  Uhmm.  Hmmmm.  OK, snow is coming in October, the Republicans are going to lose big in the next election, and Barack Obama and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa are going to announce they have a 6 year old love child named Rama Dama Obama.  The beetles never lie...

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I was barking at a crow.  I'm sorry, brother, but not everything I say is "come quick, little Jimmy fell down a well".

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Please tell me you got me a chew toy.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! No, we dogs don't drink or do drugs.  We lick our own butts and bark at the moon when we're sober.  It takes a Clamper half a dozen shots to get to that point.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I mean, if  you think about it, how much does a hot dog really change between the time you eat it, and when you leave it in the woods.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Haaaaaaah.  Where the hell did you find jalepeno dog food?  My dog food is made in Mexico now?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Panting is disgusting?  This from someone who sweats where he can't even lick!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Would you rephrase the question without using the words "trash bag"?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Newspapers used to actually be on PAPER and dogs had to "fetch" them?   You must think I'll believe anything.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Wow!  And I thought that was delicious the first time I ate it.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I AM trying to move to the music, you idiot, it isn't my fault I have two left feet!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Aye, and ever since the squirrel ran up the tree and stole Fido's nuts, there has been enmity between us.  It's kind of our "Adam and Eve" story.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy!   A firecracker? Gimme some warning next time, I almost jumped out of my skin.  In fact, it's still kind of tight in the very back.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy!  All this time I though "heel" meant "I'm too fat and can't keep up with you, slow down."

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I had an unfortunate experience with an electric fence as a kid.  As a result, I'm the only dog on the mountain that won't pee on a fence post.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yah yah, everybody's a critic.  You try to catch a squirrel by the ass with your mouth and see how cool you look.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Just try it.  It will keep you from wiping your nose on your sleeve, which is disgusting to watch!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! "I didn't do it, I didn't do it; OK, I did it, but I'm not sorry."  Boy, that's one weiner I'd like to get my teeth in.  Seriously, I saw the cell phone foto, it was juicy.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! This last bag of Chinese kibble tastes like emails; hack, hack!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! How come my winter coat is falling out and another winter coat is coming in?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yeah, word got out that I stand on a rock when I pee to make me seem taller.  Thank God we dogs have such short memories.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Was it really so farfetched to assume that plateful of burgers was meant for me?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Some day I'll die, and you'll live on, but you'll still remember me and love me, and I'll still love you.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! You heard me.  I said I had six love children with Arnold's guard dog Griselda.  It was love at first sight, but then, fifteen minutes later it wasn't working any more and we parted friends.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! It was garbage. I repurposed it to a chewtoy.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Damn public defender!  I should have gotten off with community service.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I don't remember Mom all that well, but I do remember she was quite a bitch!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Beeek..Ah!  It's like I say, a properly aged squirrel always repeats itself!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Brother, you were gone for seven days... do you have any idea how long a week is to a simple creature like me?  I'm sorry, I mourned and moved on.  Perhaps, if we could relive some wonderful moment, like the time you gave me that half pound of stale bacon...

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! ...choo!  Man, unless your nose is longer than six inches don't complain to me about hay fever!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Here you go, Java sweetheart, just to prove I don't have to look at the camera to take a great picture!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I suppose if dogs had a concept of "tomorrow" we'd worry, too, but we don't see the point in giving energy to something we have no evidence even exists.  Now is what we think about, and now I'm happy!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! That's right, blood and guts and bodies everywhere, and they're always involved, always!  That's why you call something like that a "cat-astrophe."

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Man, I wouldn't wear a baseball cap.   Just about everyone I know who wears one is bald; I think bugs live in them that make your hair fall out.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I keep critters and crooks away day and night, stand at your beck and call, and the one time I ask to use the car you're full of questions?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! What in the world could you two possibly be doing like that?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I told you so, Honey, I haven't sniffed anyone but you for weeks.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I realize it's no one's fault, but if this snow doesn't disappear soon I'm going to have to bite someone on the ass.  Preferably, a weatherman.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Damn, that's some wind!  I just heard something I said yesterday.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! What the hell are you doing here?  I thought I'd worked my way down to the neighbor's garbage can.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I love you, and I sure will miss you, but if I can work my way down to the road, I'm going to throw myself in front of  the first car with a Florida license plate and smile and wag my tail and sit up pretty until they open the door and take me away.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I'm just saying we're better adapted.  For example, pull your pants down and sit on the ice as I am.  Because of your inflexible spine, you'll be sitting there until the Spring thaw.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! "Dog bites man" isn't news?  Hmmm, let me work on that a minute.  Close your eyes, I'm going to bite you somewhere no one ever got bit by a dog before, and I want it to come as news to you.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Sorry, it's a code: what happens in the neighbor's yard stays in the neighbor's yard.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! There must have been some good chili at the Cook Off.  You farted so loud last night that Dottie ran under the house.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Look, I understand how important the Yuba Pass Chili Cook Off is to you, but I've been saving that for seven months and it's just about perfect.  It took me an hour to dig from the snow, and  I won't trade it  for a Chinese dog biscuit.  I want my squirrel back.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! We're going behind you instead of in front because our junk isn't wrapped in thermal underwear.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! No, not coyote, not cousiny enough; not bear, not hairy enough; not cat of any kind, since there's no bugs.  I'd say wolverine, a lonely, horney wolverine.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Yes, it's like an icy cold toilet brush, and I can tell you, my personal hygiene is suffering as a result.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Wait a minute, if they taste like chicken in the air, why wouldn't they taste like chicken on the ground?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Kiyah!  Something tells me I haven't heard the end of this chili!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Oh honey, I know what she said, but you know what a lying bitch she is.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Well... OK, yes, it was dead when I found it.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Brother, don't worry about it!  Of course there are dogs in heaven, it couldn't be heaven without us!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I sure did.  I did it because I care about you, and that's the best way to be sure you're healthy and eating right.  I'm sorry if it caught you by surprise, I'll try to swing in around from the front next time I see you hang your butt over a branch.  By the way, I notice you don't care enough about me to return the favor.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Look, I'm at least 1,000 times more qualified to judge whose breath is worse, and I say it's not mine!

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Wait wait!  Let me form a mental picture of your face when he told you what a colonoscopy was.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! OK, so in the next life I get to live in a house and eat red meat and you get to bark at scary stuff at night and eat Chinese kibble.  Seems fair.  So, how are you feeling?

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! All be darned.  Yep, you're right, it's mine, but I didn't expect to see it again until Spring, and I don't think it's ready yet.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I gotta say, I admire your nerve trying to negotiate these icy patches with a platefull of sausages.   A little to your left, keep your speed up, aim for the shiny spot.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! Brother, seriously, with the gloves, and the layers of jeans and thermal underwear and the tucked in shirts and T shirts, I think any reasonable being would agree you should simply give up and go ahead and pee yourself.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! I wasn't going to mention it, but since you brought up facial detritus, lean over and I'll identify that smear for you.

Cooter Dog  He's a good boy! You do realize it's been seven dog new years since you've wished me happy new year.