We Short You on the News

Shorting You on the News
There has been a complaint from the Complaining Editor that we never carry news.  We maintain most of the news isn’t news at all, it does nothing to educate or inform you, it’s just popcorn for the head, Gee Whiz news.  Still, in our never ending quest to satisfy said editor, we bring you news.
Everybody say “Gee whiz!”

A South Carolina woman called police because her car wouldn’t run.  A cheese burger was found in her gas tank.  There are no suspects.
A Cincinatti woman tried to run from the police doing the speed limit, stopping at red lights and stop signs, and signaling her turns.  The police stopped her car with puncture sticks a few yards from her driveway.  They tazered her and charged her with resisting arrest.  There is the suspicion she might have been under the influence.
Russia is burning.  Record highs have resulted in catastrophic wildfires in forests, prairies and drying peat bogs.  More than 77 villages have been damaged or destroyed, including a city of 850,000 people.  In addition to firefighters the military and corps of volunteers have been enlisted to help fight the hundreds of thousands of acres of wildfires ravaging the area around Moscow.  This has been the hottest summer in 130 years of record keeping.  Some suggest global climate change and increasing CO2 as the problem, but others insist “nyet!”
A Sacramento cop got caught lying, California prisoners get no justice in prison, BP spread poison on their oil in the gulf, and Schwarzenegger sent everyone home; none of which should catch you by surprise or even qualify as news.  
However, the offspring of Bill and Hilary Clinton has found a mate, of the opposite gender even, thus increasing the likelihood of a legitimate heir.  The groom is Marc Mezvinsky, a steel worker from… no wait, he’s a banker!  Go figure.
We recommend instead a better Clinton, President George Clinton, who told us back in the dim days of the 1970s:
“Free your mind and your ass with follow,
The Kingdom of Heaven is within.”

George Clinton from Wiki

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