The Other Puberty

The Other Puberty

That Crazy Darned DeVita

Your body is changing, you have hair where you didn’t before, your breasts are growing, your body is flooded with hormones. It’s an important, life altering time.

That’s right, it’s menopause, the "other puberty". Women are more famous for it, but men go through very similar changes.

There are similarities between the puberties, but I’m here to tell you, I preferred the first.

During the first puberty you are awestruck at the trouble you’re going to get into as your body develops; with the second puberty you are awestruck at the trouble you’re going to have as your body deteriorates.

Pubic hair, anthropologists tell us, signals that the person is sexually mature; what the hell does hair in your ears signal? It isn’t a willingness to listen.

The other day I took my shirt off and had the feeling someone was looking over my shoulder; it was a Jabba-the-mole, a great hulking thing that in childhood had been a little freckle. The doctor won’t remove it, I’ll have to throw a ball cap on it and treat it like a second head. I looked at my breasts, which are sagging rather badly; if I were a woman they would be worse because they would be bigger, but they would also be better because at least you expect women to have breasts. What seemed like a hot idea in my youth turns out not to be so.

This is the time of life where you are at risk of using drugs: statins, NSAIDs, nightly aspirin and hormone replacement. It won’t be long and you’ll be fiddling with diapers and applesauce and strained peas, but the kids will be taking care of you this time.

During the first puberty I wanted a hot car, and I thought about the opposite sex constantly.

OK, not everything is different on the second puberty.


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