Sick of the News

Sick of the News: The Prospect’s Better News for April First  32812


The Fringe Editor was scouring the internet for news that might possibly be of interest to readers, and finally reached that precarious point where he felt he could write better news than was really out there.  Here is the report:



Obama Pulls Out of Afghanistan

President Barak Obama said today that he would order U.S. Troops out of Afghanistan.

“I was sitting at breakfast today reading the news on line when I heard myself say, ‘Afghanistan?  We’re still in Afghanistan?  Isn’t that the little nation that brought the Soviet Union to its knees?  Are we nuts?’”

Afghanistan is a country in Central Asia with a long history of warfare and resistance.  Currently, the U.S. is in Afghanistan fighting a war that Ronald Reagan started when he called Al Queda the “new minutemen” and forced the Soviet Union out of Afghanistan, creating a power vacuum that was quickly filled with Muslim extremists.  Afghanistan became a Muslim state in the 7th Century.  The Soviet Union was a presence in Afghanistan until 1989 when it pulled out amidst international complaints of the deaths of over 1 million Afghanis.  The U.S. has been involved in the nation since George W. Bush seized the imperial presidency and declared war in 2001.  The primary enemy there is the Taliban, an extremist Moslem “school”.

President Obama was pragmatic about the withdrawal.  “It’s a hell of a mess over there, but what the hell, Bush was breaking the law when he went in there.   I’d hate to be a woman in Afghanistan.  I’d really hate to be an unmarried pregnant lesbian woman in Afghanistan.  Even so, I think the best thing we can do is get the hell out and let those people work things out for themselves.  I’ll tell you, they make some killer palao there.”

It is estimated it will take at least six months to get all U.S. Troops out of Afghanistan.  There are 90,000 U.S. troops there, more than all other NATO nations combined.  The total cost of the war to the U.S. has been over $514 billion dollars, with many of those dollars going to private companies contracting with the U.S. for services.




Supreme Court Rules Obama Health Care Plan Unconstitutional; Makes Major Changes to the Law

The Supreme Court today found Obamacare unconstitutional because it creates a strange and contorted solution to a very simple problem. 

Speaking for the united Court Justice John Roberts said, “it was all just too complicated, with people paying for insurance and people too poor for insurance paying fines, and employers whining and complaining and so on.  Jeez, we can spend literally hundreds of billions of dollars fighting wars and so on, let’s just dip in to that and give everyone the health care they deserve.”  The findings of the court instruct Health and Human Services to raid the Pentagon and provide adequate health care for all residents of the United States.

Republican legislators were enraged, suggesting it was counter-productive to kill great Pentagon jobs just to provide affordable health care for all American residents.  “Health Care is not a right; a long and healthy life should be reserved for those who earned it by being born in to wealth” Republican Candidate George Romney said.  Several congressmen were so upset they were taken ill, and had to take advantage of the free healthcare they get at Walter Reed Hospital.


Drug Enforcement Administration De-Classified Marijuana

The Drug Enforcement Administration announced today that marijuana would be declassified from a Schedule 1 narcotic to an herbal remedy, regulated by the Food and Drug Administration.  Michele Leonhart, Administrator of the DEA told reporters, “we’ve clearly just been dicks about this whole marijuana thing.  Scheduling drugs should be reserved for those drugs which are really dangerous, like alcohol, which, unfortunately, is not a scheduled drug at all.  So, there you go.”

Marijuana legalization activists and medical marijuana supporters were elated.  A spokesman for the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws expressed surprise at the development: “We never, ever thought the United States Government would so easily correct an injustice that has endured for nearly a century.  It’s like someone in Washington put down their martinis and sobered up.  We’re worried it won’t last long.  Surely some federal Darth Vader type will seize control of the federal government and reverse this decision.”

When asked what he would do now, one activist who has been working for cannabis legalization for over 40 years said, “I don’t know, I guess smoke a dubee and calm down a little, and then start looking for something else to work on.  I’ve always thought female genital mutilation was a bad thing, maybe I’ll work on that next.” 

The change allows the legalization of cannabis for medical, recreational, religious and food uses.  It is expected to free billions of dollars of law enforcement money and generate additional billions in legal sales.

“It’s a pretty radical and intelligent step for a federal agency to take” Michele Leonhart told reporters, “don’t expect us to make a habit of it.”


Second Amendment Rights Restored to California

Governor General Jerry Brown announced today that he was shredding California’s gun control laws and restoring the 2nd Amendment to the state.

“We’re tired of having people with guns mowing down unarmed children and innocent bystanders,” he told reporters.  “If we restore the 2nd Amendment and let Californians carry guns normally, there is a better chance that next time some maniac starts shooting there’ll be a legal gun owner there to take him down.”  The move is expected to restore the ability to protect one’s self to millions of Californians.  Brown went on to clarify: “Open carry?  Yeah, I expect people to openly carry loaded firearms.  How else are criminals going to know who not to screw with?”

When asked why the governor chose to make this bold move, Brown could only shrug.  “We had to restore people’s right to protect themselves.  All these laws just hamstrung the average Californian.  I don’t know what the hell we were thinking.”




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