Riding Mower Control

In the last five years 66,000 people have been hurt or killed by riding lawnmowers, according to the Journal of Safety Research.

We at Sierra County Prospect feel the carnage has to stop. We suspect that the majority of those incidents involved unregistered mowers. It’s time our politicians took responsibility for lawnmower deaths and injuries.

First, we want all cheap lawnmowers, known as "Saturday Morning Specials" taken off the market. The poor shouldn’t be able to afford a lawn, and so don’t need cheap lawnmowers. The government will take care of their lawns.

The poor don't need to mower their lawns: Saturday Morning Special
Next, a total ban on "assault mowers", meaning those mowers with more than one set of blades, "silencer" mufflers, and add on "seat backs". This would also include a ban on mowers less than 40 inches long, mowers with reel as well as rotary blades, string whip, wire whip, and chain whip blades, belt buckle mowers, cane mowers, and wallet mowers. All racing mowers would require a special permit, and could only be possessed at a track, in the garage, or in a specially built trailer clearly marked "danger, racing mower on board". A police officer could stop the trailer at any time to determine if the mower tank were empty.

Assault mower.  This one's been recalled, by the way.
Finally, anyone wanting to buy a riding mower would have to wait ten days as a "cooling off" period, incase by then they’ve decided to hell with mowing the lawn. They would have to pass the Attorney General’s Riding Lawnmower Ownership check, and would have to pass a course in "riding mower safety."

Anyone who was in possession of a lawnmower would have to store that tank empty, and gas away from the mower. Special "mower child safety locks" could be required.

In all cases, the Government wants people to consider turning in their riding lawnmowers. You’ll be given $100 and a government sheep to eat your grass.

Turn in your riding mower, get a government sheep.

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