Mormons Steal Jefferson

Rescuing Thomas Jefferson 040412

The Fringe takes a whack at LDS


Your Fringe Editor was dozing the other evening when he clearly heard the voice of our patron in liberty, Thom Jefferson.  “Save me, compatriot, the Mormons are after my immortal soul!  I was playing poker with Mark Twain and Carl Sagan when my soul was stolen!” it said. 

I raced to the computer and found at once that the Mormons have baptized and “sealed” the soul of Thomas Jefferson, rather like Dr. Evil stealing Austin Power’s mojo.

The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints seems to be in some kind of soul race with the American Catholic Church, and have come to the conclusion that souls are recyclable, and indeed the dead are in no position to complain, so they’re grabbing all the souls they can.  Our Jewish brothers were pretty pissed when they tried to grab Anne Frank’s soul recently, and one imagined the heavenly tug of war as the Jews grabbed her back. 

Jefferson was very clear about religion in his life: it is a completely personal matter, between a soul and the God it imagines.


“I am a sect to myself, as far as I know”

“Say nothing of my religion. It is known to my god and myself alone.”


Thom died a few years before Joseph Smith published his new bible, and twenty years before an angry mob shot Smith in the back, making him forever a martyr.  It’s unlikely he would have joined the church even if he’d lived longer.


“I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent.”


Once I realized that Thom’s soul had been stolen, I began to urgently think of ways to help him sin, and so release him from the pious elders of Mormon.  First, I tried to think of a way to smuggle him the soul of a nice plump teenybopper, but then I realized the Mormons would not only be in favor, they might suggest a couple more. 


“I concur with you strictly in your opinion of the comparative merits of atheism and demonism, and really see nothing but the latter in the being worshipped by many who think themselves Christians.”


I struggled with what kind of sin would be best.  I was shooting for having Thom booted to a Terrestrial  Kingdom, where he could be in the good company of liars and philanderers, but not clear into the outer darkness of the sons of perdition.  It would require some skill with sin, since the Mormons are as keen on detecting, naming, and enjoying sin as some Christians.  For people who lived under a literal order of extermination in Missouri, they’re remarkably mellow, except for this soul stealing business. 

I realized that Mormons aren’t allowed to drink alcohol, and wondered for a moment if the task of saving Jefferson shouldn’t go to Don Russell, instead.  The problem is, it might not be enough just to smuggle Thom a nice triple malt scotch.

No, if you really want to be kicked out of Mormon heaven, you have to dabble in homosexuality, but how was I ever going to find a Republican congressman in heaven?


“And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerve in the brain of Jupiter. But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.”


If only the Baptists had stolen Thom, he could have danced his way out of heaven.


Eventually it occurred to me that denying the existence of God is enough for a Mormon rejection; certainly T.J. had enough of those sins!


"The hocus-pocus phantasm of a God, like another Cerberus, with one body and three heads, had its birth and growth in the blood of thousands and thousands of martyrs”


The lesson to the rest of us?  Make sure you sin enough in this life to keep from being drafted by the Mormons when you die!


Good Luck! 





In fairness, here are the core beliefs of Mormons, outlined by John Smith

13 Articles of Faith


We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.


We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.


We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.


We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.


We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.


We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.


We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.


We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.


We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.


We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.


We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.


We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.


We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.


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