Better Than The News

Better than the news
Editor’s note: there’s nothing here for decent folk.

When the real news isn’t good enough.
There is a rumor that the Sierra Pacific Industries cogen plant is being sold, perhaps to NV Energy.  The Prospect checked in with Mark Pawlicki, spokesperson from SPI and he confirmed that he knew nothing about any sale.
That is certainly possible, Mr. Pawlicki is the publicist for SPI, and as we’ve mentioned in the past, publicists usually have to use their own water cooler so they don’t accidentally learn something.  

So, the news on this is: no, the cogen plant isn’t being sold to NV Energy.  

But, that sucks, so we’re writing news that is better than that.

An unconfirmed report states that the Sierra Pacific Industries cogen plant in Loyalton is being sold to NV Energy for $28 million.  A spokesperson for NV Energy never said “this little plant was like a belt line boil that wouldn’t go away.  It stunk up our deal with CalPeco and SPI is clearly too wild west to get the situation under control.”

According to no spokesperson at NV Energy “The company’s first intention was to purchase the little tea kettle and strip the permits from it, leaving the husk to join the hotel in Loyalton as a haunting reminder of a world that had a place for flea patches like Loyalton once, but doesn’t anymore.”

The spokesperson never continued: “Then, suddenly one of the number monkeys down in accounting pointed out that there were tax and other advantages to using biomass to generate power.  She pointed out that supplying the cogen plant along with the California service units to CalPeco made a lot of sense, and scarcely raised the price at all.  That little gal down in accounting knew more about it than all the full growed men in the head office, so they had to fire her.”  

The idea stuck, though, and NV Energy plans to get the plant on line and then pass it on to CalPeco.

Ima Nota, spokesperson from CalPeco, told the Prospect they now plan to spend another $1.7 million building infrastructure to encourage the growth of biofuels.  

“We plan to use heat from the cogen plant to process fuel for biogas, which we’ll provide at reduced cost to trucks under contract to haul chips to the plant.  We plan to put Loyalton on the map, turn it into a vacuum cleaner to suck all the excess biomass from the woods.  I hope Loyalton can get used to the idea of stoplights and McDonalds.”  

According to the spokesperson, who asked to remain unincorporeal, CalPeco plans to use Loyalton as a base, building a second cogen plant by 2015, at which time they will produce nearly all the motor fuel required to keep trucks rolling with chips from as far as Lake Almanor north and Placer county south.

“We’re going to convert dangerous biomass into green electricity, making the hills safer, the air cleaner, creating hundreds of jobs and providing reliable, affordable power to over 100,000 customers.”

Loyalton officials were guardedly optimistic.  “We’re behind CalPeco owning the cogen plant, but we’ll believe it when steam comes from the stack.  We’ve been told more lies than a dumb gal with big boobs.  We have a ‘wait and see’ attitude now.”

The Prospect asked the NV Energy nonspokesperson if they’d like to apologize for raising hell with families in Loyalton and hazard fuel removal plans in the Sierra, the spokesnobody said “we have been real A-holes on this, but frankly, we’re a large corporation and that’s what we do.  Tell ya what, though, when we buy the plant we’ll make is sound like we did it to create jobs for you, how’s that?”
That would be expected.
More on that if anything ever develops.  

In other news, the Sierra County Board of Supervisors has directed staff in our dreams to move swiftly to create cannabis production zones in the county, and to prepare permit and tax schedules to be approved by county voters in 2011.
Board Chairperson Doug Goicoichoi said “what made the difference was when Don Russell brought that Allegheny Greenbud and we passed a cutchie in closed session.  Suddenly, the whole idea of taxing people big time for growing a simple, nearly harmless herb seemed like something government should be doing.”  
“We sat around with our thumbs in our butts for two years” Goicoichoi said, “so we’re breaking into the market late, and you can already see the bottom of the pot on that, but I think we’ll still bring a couple of million in to the county in the next few years.  We don’t have the whole “emerald triangle” thing going like they do on the coast, but there is talk on the Economic Development Committee of going for a “alta clara” angle, saying the weed was grown over 4500 feet high in pure Sierra sunshine.”

Doug Goicoichoi said he’d never tried weed before.  “There was some on campus when I went to college, but I was afraid I might jump off a building trying to fly, so I faked it when the joint came by, hoping I could still be cool enough to score with hippie chicks.  I had a lot of deep, unresolved issues as a kid.  The weed in those days smelled like a haypile fire.  This Alle Greenbud Russell scored for us was smooth, very skunkie with a hint of orange.  Very Irie.”    It is rumored that Goicoichoi is seeking a doctor’s recommendation for cannabis due stiffening of the spine and tightening of the lower sphynctal area from spending so many years behind a desk.  


In other news, a group of 5 state politicians including Governor Renire Wolfcastle never admitted they knew and cared almost nothing about northern California.
The revelations came forth when a stretch limo that was taking the politicians from Tahoe to Sacramento got lost and broke down on Highway 89 near Calpine.  The group disembarked to twitch nervously at the locked doors of the restrooms at the park in Calpine.  The Prospect reporter showed them how to pee behind the firehouse in exchange for a brief interview.

“All I knew is you had our water and let your filthy cows fornicate in it.  It was beautiful and you made it unnatural,” state assemblywoman Ivana Phixya (D, San Fantasia) told the Prospect.  “Now that I’ve been here, I can see it’s true.”

State senator Ben Dover (R, Sodom) said “I’d actually heard of the Sierra Valley years ago.  I saw a blue movie called California Cousinhumbers, but I had no idea such a place actually existed.  I think I recognized the gal that sold us gas.  I like it up here, I’ll probably come back.  Your ways are different here, it’s like Greece in the 50s.”

The most remarkable revelations came from the Governor himself.  “I had no idea all this was up here.  Honest to God, I though this was Oregon.  It’s real nice up here, you have a lot of big women, makes me think of the old country.”

Finally, this:

A toy robot about 8” tall held Denver police at bay, stopping rush hour traffic for over two hours, until the cops were able to successfully blow the little robot up.
The robot did not attack police, nor did it appear to be carrying a weapon; further, it didn’t move around and was in fact glued to the pedestal of a foot bridge.
The police first sent an anti-bomb robot in, but it became clear after only a short amount of time that the little robot was making sense to the bomb squad robot, and cops called it back before it could “go native”.  
Eventually, when the inert plastic robot was distracted, cops blew it up.

I wish, oh how I wish that we’d made this one up, but no, this is true, an alert reader sent us this link:

Photo is link; Denver Post photo, edited

God save us until next time.
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