Arnold Offspring

051811
Arnold Admits Accidental Offspring

The News:

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he has an 11 year old child with a former house staff.  Schwarzenegger knew of the child prior to his election in 2003, but did not acknowledge the child until recently.  Some reports suggest he’s been contributing to the child’s financial welfare. 

The revelation is assumed to be the cause of the recent breakup between Arnold and his main squeeze, news anchor Maria Shriver, daughter of Peace Corps, Job Corps and Head Start originator and political idealist Sargent Shriver and Eunice Kennedy, sister to John F. and Robert Kennedy.  The former Governor said he was sorry for the pain it has caused everyone.  Some commentators believe this will leave a stain on his future political fortunes.

Currently, there is a debate as to whether Tammy Baker-Tousignant, a stewardess on the Schwargenegger aircraft is the mystery mam.  Various sources suggest that the affair was widely known in 2003, she has an 11 year old boy who is said to look like Arnold, but, an attorney for Ms. Tousignant said that her son had received a DNA test and was conclusively the son of Ms. Tousignant and her then husband.

Fringe Analysis:

It’s a quaint mythology we cling to that the powerful should somehow be more moral than the rest of us, but history from Adam onward is filled with instances of the wealthy getting luckier than the average schmoe.  Republicans were seized with the desire to impeach when Bill Clinton shared his cigar with the irrepressible Monica Lewinsky, though they were more silent when Republicans sported boys and tap danced in men’s bathrooms.   The dynamics of human mate selection are impervious to our mythology, and they include males of higher status having relatively more access to females of lower status.  The upper crust knocking up staff has a long and honorable history in Europe, and it’s continued in the U.S.

But, does Arnie even have a closet kid?  Reports indicate that Tousignant had for years said Arnold was the Dad, but the test doesn’t lie.  If the attorney’s report is correct, either Tousignant isn’t the mystery mam indicated, or Arnold failed to verify the kid was his and just assumed his superior, manly seed was responsible.  If that’s the case, he’s something worse than an illegitimate dad, he’s a chump.

Schwarzenegger’s Love Child (artist’s conception)