April 1: Oh Happy Day!

County saved; Loyalton Becomes the Engine of County Economics Once Again!

April 1, 2010 began like any other spring day in Sierra County: The sky was a quilt of perfect blue sky and fluffy clouds, with a distant lace of showery snow along the mountains. But, the day was destined to become a Day in History.

Through careful listening to local gossips and tongue-wags the Prospect has been able to piece the story together.

Like many such days, this Day in History pivoted on a small thing. One of our local ranch gals rode her horse across Highway 49 a couple of miles outside of Loyalton. Times are tough, the furrier costs money, and the horse has a tendency to drag her hind left, so a nail worked loose from the shoe and lay on the highway.

A magpie at the scene reports she considered taking the nail, but there was traffic. A flat bed one ton duallie ran over it, but the tires were too tough and the nail was left with a bit of a sway, so the point stuck up a bit.

The next car that went by was a Lincoln Town Car with the ballistics package: total price $166,988.00. The special tires are self sealing and bullet resistant, but were no match for the horseshoe nail, which penetrated to the head. It held until the turn by the landfill and then flew out, to lay covered with goo in the opposite lane. The Prospect lost track of the nail as it was headed for Reno.

By the time the Town Car, driven by Montaine, the personal body guard of Herman Bustenhalter, reached the edge of Loyalton the tire, which had been designed to self-seal round holes, had lost a lot of air through the square hole the nail had made. He pulled the car into White’s station to get the tire fixed.

According someone who was in White’s to buy a sandwich for lunch, Montaine, a large black man impeccably dressed in a gray suit, came in and asked about fixing the tire. Bustenhalter stayed in the car for awhile talking on his cell phone, then got out and walked around a little. He was dressed in light gray slacks and a pashmina sweater.

Andy White is reported to have looked at the bullet resistant tires and told Montaine "my machine won’t handle this, I’ll have to call in a backhoe."

Bustenhalter wandered down to the corner by the post office, where he stood in the sun. A young, solidly built Sierra Valley gal crossed the street headed for a snack at White’s. Bustenhalter is reported to have looked at her, and when she scowled back at him, he said, "what are you, Honey, about a 40?"

The young lady’s hand was well toned from an autumn of grabbing a hay hook, and she wrapped it around the pashmina sweater and prepared to give Mr. Bustenhalter what is locally known as a "two egg omelet" with her knee when Montaine intervened. Apologies came forth and money changed hands, and Bustenhalter crossed the street and stood in front of the Old Hotel. Apparently he rapped the walls, looked in the windows, and instructed Montaine to "try the door." It was locked. Bustenhalter said, "Are you sure? Try again a little harder." Montaine was persuasive, and the door opened.

According to a county worker who wishes to remain un-named, Tim Beals had stopped at Leonards to get some whisky for his travel mug and a quart of milk; the Prospect doubts this and has heard that Beals is lactose-intolerant.

Bustenhalter and Montaine emerged from the hotel, which caught Beal’s eye.

"Can you tell me," Bustenhalter shouted across the street, "who owns this building?"

Beals is reported to have crossed the street and conversed with Bustenhalter. It was a moment that changed history for Sierra County.

Most people now know that Bustenhalter is a leading manufacturer of fine breast management gear. Hoping to cash in on the latest trend of turning boobular movement into energy, Bustenhalter is going to manufacture a device which fits inside a sports bra to generate green electricity to operate cell phones, iPods and other devices while jogging.

Beals and Bustenhalter worked out a public-private partnership to turn the Old Hotel into a factory to produce the new device, called the "Jiggle Generator 4000."

Eventually the factory will employ 50 people in assembly, shipping, and the office. They will eventually need testers for 25 boobs, creating jobs for over 12 more local women.

The unit straps over the shoulder and nestles into the cups of most sports bras. As Bustenhalter said, the unit turns "natural movements of the breast at work and play" into electricity. "Smaller users can power a cell phone or calculator; bigger girls might eventually make toast or jump start a car."

Bustenhalter later said "a device like this reduces the need for coal burning power plants and toxic batteries. It also encourages women to jog, lengthening their lives. A big plus is that the device actually works better for older ladies, encouraging them to jog. Finally, it prevents static cling."

"I’m doing my part for a greener California," he said. "In fact, some day I’d like to see all 36 million boobs in the state hooked up and generating clean, green electricity."

Eventually the company intends to produce a more efficient model, suitable for younger women and older men.

Too weird? Go here.