We can make up better news:
Counties Don’t Really Prepare to March on Sacramento
Saying they simply can’t take anymore crap from the State, the 28 counties of the Rational Council of Rural Counties (RCRC) are arming themselves to march on Sacramento.
The Colusseum in Sacramento
Lee Adams, Commander of the Sierra County Militia, is misquoted as saying, "they’re nothing but liars and thieves in Sacramento, caring for nothing but the strength of their party and the lining of their own pockets. It’s more than decent people can stand. We’re reminded of the revolt of the Helots against their cruel masters in Sparta in 464 BCE. Like them, we can take no more."
A spokesperson for RCRC stated "we have no plans to sack Sacramento as this point. This is an initial foray, to see how things go. If it works out well, we’ll be back with cattle trucks and chip trucks for more booty."
Commander Adams supplied the press with a list of 95 offenses by the state against the counties. "I’m going to nail this sucker to the metal detector in front of the capitol door," he said.
Included on the list are failing to provide health care, theft of the Williamson Act funds, withholding key funds from taxes allotted to the county, piracy of local water, and failing to side with Sierra County when the Forest Service pulled out of Downieville.
The rural counties are finding it relatively easy to raise armies from among unemployed timber workers, farmers, gold dredgers, construction workers, truck drivers and county workers in the rural areas, most of whom are already well armed and skilled in the use of firearms. Of course, they aren’t as well armed as they would be if California gun owners were actually allowed the freedom of the 2nd Amendment, but what they lack in firepower they make up for in know-how.
Commander of Militias for RCRC, Sue Donym, told the Prospect, "we don’t expect any trouble. No one should get hurt. We’re simply going to go to the capitol and take whatever we can to make up for the screw job we’ve been getting from the state. Then we’re going to dismantle the computer system so those dumb bastards won’t be able to pass any new laws for awhile, to give us a chance to build a few houses and maybe raise some cattle."
The last is in reference to the increasing noose of regulations set over the necks of rural people by geeks in offices in cities far, far away. The endless layers of authorities and the draconian "$37.500 a day" fines they employ to maintain their fiefdoms is smothering working people trying to maintain the rural way of being.
The Governator is the commander of the state militia, but the rural counties aren’t worried about that. "Those people have all been called home by their wives, husbands, children and mothers."
What about The Governator himself? Aren’t they afraid he’ll grab a .50 caliber autoloader and defend the capitol?
"Nah," Commander Donym replied to our question, "he’s a short termer, we don’t expect him to get involved."
A bigger concern is the California Society of Assorted Counties (CSAC), a group that represents all California counties. When the rural counties began to assemble their armies, the larger counties began signing gang members up to their militias. No one is sure how the remaining counties will react to the RCRC sack of Sacramento.
Commander Donym gave her opinion: "We aren’t worried they’ll try to save Sacramento, state government is well past that kind of loyalty, but we’re worried that if we get in and get out with anything worth taking, the urban counties will sweep through and take whatever is left. That means everything, from legislative intern slaves to Schwarzenegger’s china, will be gone. We’ll get the short end again."
It remains to be seen what the county militias can bring home to the chronically unemployed, and to the shriveling county coffers. It is possible that RCRC warriors can be enlisted to get taxes back for counties in other states.
"We hate to see our unemployed become an army of mercenaries," Commander Domyn said, "but it’s certainly happened before in history. You make it however you have to."
The Sierra County Prospect does not approve of violent overthrow of any government, not even Sacramento. Also, as we said, we made this up. It's a shame we had to make it up.