Legislators compete to protect the children, dying
It began with AB1652
, a bill which would require ski resorts to act as cops. The bill insists that all minors wear a helmet when snowboarding or having other high velocity fun. The bill was introduced by Assemblyman Dave Jones, D-Sacramento. Sacramento is home to dozens of ski resorts.
Another bill, SB880,
was authored by Leland Yee, D-San Francisco demands that minors wear protective gear on the slopes. San Francisco is highly dependent on income from bay area ski slopes, and from the many ski schools and snowboard manufacturers in the city.
The Republicans in the assembly felt outdone in child-protecting by the Dems, and authored AB2366, which requires that parents of children who are found snow boarding or skiing without protective head gear to be imprisoned for not less than one year, and the offense would count as a strike. Senate Republicans added a bill which would provide investigation and enforcement funds for ski resorts who agree to police not only minors not wearing helmets, but drug dealers and sex offenders. The bill creates funding opportunities for ski resorts who want to hire out as private U.S. government security in Finland and northern Canada.
It was then an intern to a Democratic senator noticed that nearly one person in four dies in bed.
The Democrats in the house and senate each put forth bills to insist on helmets and other safety gear in bed, including a condom with the wearer’s “head-stamp”.
The Republicans realized that much more happens in bed than just death. A spokesperson from a caucus of Republican legislators released this statement:
“Many of life’s tragedies take place in bed. A bed is often a key instrument of child abusers. There are acts between adults of the same genitage who do things in bed which used to be illegal, but we can’t make them illegal anymore. In general, an economy where people spend a lot of time in bed is not a healthy economy. Countries with no beds show the lowest unemployment."
America has suffered long enough under the terrorism of the bed, it’s time something was done about it. We’re taking firm steps to protect people from beds, and the things other, less decent and normal people do in them.”
The Democrats, on receiving the statement, responded that they were opposed on principle to the taking of beds, but would agree provided people were reimbursed for the beds so they could buy sofas and easy chairs. They also wanted a special section in the law preventing the old and very sick from any access to beds, since they are already in a weakened state. They also want a “wall” to commemorate those who have died in bed related deaths.
The Republicans agreed in principle, but insisted that reimbursement money should go to bed manufacturers so they could retool for sofas, which would increase the supply of sofas and so benefit the consumer in the long run. They agreed with putting up a commemorative wall, provided the money could be obtained from the Feds so no new taxes would be created.
Schwarzenegger has promised to weigh in on the issue, saying “the right of persons to lie in bed should not be taken away lightly, but the state has a responsibility to protect the old and sick.” He admitted he had lain in a bed, but it was long ago in the 70s. “Laying in bed helped me back then, and it was legal, you could legally lay in a bed in a hotel, you didn’t have to go to the black market then. We know much more about laying in bed today, and I would not recommend laying in bed to young people, especially if they are not alone.”
The Next Big Worry: A recent study shows 100 percent of people who regularly swallow saliva will die. “Just say no to saliva” and “why do you think they call it ‘spit’” campaigns are in the wings.
Also: the two “ski lodge cop” bills are true; follow the links.