Whoop Whoop the Sun 03071
The Fringe Celebrates the Magnetosphere
Warning! Never look directly at the sun!
As most people have heard, the sun has ejected some stellar junk at the Earth. Two solar flares and a coronal mass ejection have taken place; the second, a class X-5 flare, was the largest. The material from the coronal mass ejection is gearing to strike us later tonight.
What exactly, is going to hit us? All kinds of stuff, most of it composed of the guts of atoms, torn apart by the heat and pressure of the sun. Some effects of the flares hit earth only about 8 minutes after the flares; the heavier material will hit later tonight. The material includes electrons, probably protons, hydrogen and helium atoms but also heavier elements like iron, and most of all, an event like this emits lots and lots of energy waves including x-rays.
What effect does an event like this have on us? Lots and lots. Particles and waves hit us, and so do tons of atoms. Particles pass right through our bodies, and when one happens to hit our DNA sometimes it’s damaged. The solar event produces electromagnetic effects which jigger our telecommunications, including the internet (Oh No!). It can even “thicken” the outer reaches of Earth’s weather and slow down or even slightly deflect satellites.
It’s most correct to think of events like this as increases, gusts in the solar winds. Earth is constantly being buffeted by solar winds which threaten to tear away our atmosphere and leave us looking like Mars. It’s the Earth’s magnetic field, generated, we guess, by the iron core of the planet, which interacts with solar winds to create the magnetosphere. The magnetic field protects the atmosphere from being eroded and keeps us from mutating every generation. However, charged particles do make through the magnetosphere, particularly at the poles, where the “ends” of the magnetosphere are. The effect we see then is the “aurora borealis”, the Northern Lights. Solar events increase the beauty of the Northern Lights, just as they probably increase genetic mutations. You take the good with the bad.
However, because we at the Prospect are concerned about our readers, we offer these safety tips for enjoying the solar event.
1. If you and your Honey both wear braces, do not French Kiss at this time, since the increased magnetic fields, coupled with the salty slobber and heat from passionate lip-friction can result in spot welding; instead, direct your sucking urges elsewhere, being mindful that braces leave telltale marks.
2. Do NOT hold your laptop on your lap at this time, particularly when viewing pornography. Without going into it too far, such a combination of the spinning hard drive, moisture, raised surfaces, and increased salinity can result in a “Leyden Jar” capacitor effect and can produce a sudden discharge of the sort that’s difficult to explain.
3. Avoid allowing contact between your feet and the road as much as possible as you drive along. It’s always a good idea, but even better now.
4. Avoid holding your cell phone next to your head during the worst of the magnetic effects. Instead, set the phone on “speaker” and set it on a wooden surface, press “send” and then get at least 30 feet away from the phone. Now, shout “what? I can’t hear you.”
5. Porcelain is an insulator, but water is a conductor, while the human body is a capacitor. The result can be “solar hemorrhoidal flares”. To be on the safe side, when sitting on the commode tonight, keep yourself grounded by sticking one big toe in the tub drain or water service under the sink. You’ll need to adjust your aim accordingly.
The Prospect will keep you informed of Earthly and Heavenly events as they happen.